Patience

Let's start by saying that I have little to none.  I actually feel like I have more than I ever have, since having children, but still fill like my stash is low.  Every little element of my world seems to directly correlate to my ability to cope with the overwhelming frustration of small children.  If I sleep too little, don't eat enough, haven't exercised, have too much laundry, haven't made my bed yet, and a million other tiny inconsequential elements of my life will put me over the edge in an instant.  I have been told that I am "the kind of mom who is too busy being with her kids to worry about how clean her house is." In truth, I just can't seem to be able to balance it all without loosing my shit all over the place. I either have to choose to be the mom who spends her day doing crafts, playing outside, reading books and just being with my kids or the mom whose floor is so clean you could eat off it.  I can honestly say that there are times you shouldn't even eat off my table.  Yesterday for instance, I gave the girls craft kits that I failed to notice included paint "that will dry permanently to most surface".  That includes Emme's and kitchen tables.  In an effort to spruce up the place, I had just finished refinishing the table and chairs.  So much for that effort.
I seem to be able to balance myself on the cusp of my tolerance level when it comes to being a mom and a homemaker.  I seem to have the patience necessary for having two small girls that are relatively laid back, happy children for the majority of the time.  But when you include having the patience to let them make a giant mess and then quietly clean it up with a smile as if you have not done this nineteen other times in the last hour, I fail.  Suddenly I become the mom that is flipping out because the mess is no longer directly proportional to the clean.  The mess is winning and I am loosing.  My patient "have fun be kids" persona becomes a raging maniac because I have played this game often enough that I know all its tricks.  I know that if the house gets messy enough that I can't walk through one room into the next without stepping on a hunk of play dough or cold noodle, it will probably take an entire day to get back to the semi-clean state it was at the day before.  If the dishes from breakfast are still in the sink at dinner, I will not have an empty sink for at least two more days as the backup will continue in this fashion until it overtakes me and I order takeout, thus stopping the cycle. If the sink is full of dishes I can't do laundry and the ceaseless pile of  twirly skirts grows to the point of filling all baskets, including the ones that I had to empty that had never been put away since the last wash day.  That was a week and a half ago.
I do however find time to make all our bread from scratch, cook from our pantry, garden and preserve most of our canned goods for the year, sew their clothes, and any other hippy crunchy thing that catches my fancy.  I try so hard to be the mom from that blog that looks like she has got it all figured out.  The one that has 5 kids and a farm and a perfect home.  She's also skinny.  Do you see how I set myself up for failure?  But honestly how does she do it?  And more importantly, why can't I?
I really do feel that my patience level is the problem.  I can only hold it all together for so long before I am overwrought with exhaustion and frustration.  I would like to say that I am practicing being patient and have this 'on my way to success' story to share but I can't even convince myself to try.  I don't have the patience to try and be more patient!How on earth do you have small kids, a clean house, feed your family well, be a conscious member of society, treat the earth kindly, and be skinny?  Without tv I seriously think it is impossible.  I could do so much more if I just put the tv on and allowed my kids to vedge the day away. But that is not my style, so messy house is.  Most of the time I am okay with it.  Though that is because I am too worn out to give a darn. Hopefully I will have a some enlightened moment to share with you some day, once I have it all together.  Most likely that will be when my small children are no longer small.  Off to not clean something.